Everywhere I look, these days, I see men and women worrying about relationships. Some of the most common worries are:
- Do I please my partner?
- What is lacking in me that they have to do x, y, z?
- Why won’t anyone love me?
- Why won’t anyone see something worthwhile in me?
There are many more, and each one of them are valid concerns to the people that profess them, but I have decided that, in my next relationship, I don’t want them to apply to me.
A lot of my thoughts when it comes to relationships are what I like to call non-standard. The standard, or so it seems to me, often comes down to one a famous scene from the motion picture “Jerry Maguire,” when Tom Cruise states; “You complete me.” It wasn’t the first time such a phrase has been uttered in romantic fiction in any format, and it likely won’t be the last. It’s been a common theme for many years; idealising love to become something where person A can’t live without person B, and that they somehow are two halves of the same being. This incessant campaign has, in my view, caused more problems for budding romantic couples than it has inspired them to be together. Yes, there are couples out there who complement each other very well, some by a convenient, and elegant matching of neuroses, and others who are simply well matched personalities, where a deficiency in one is matched by a strength in the other, but those are not by any means the norm. People in such relationships are extremely fortunate, and are often the ones that are written about, with an author throwing in a good measure of angst for entertainment, and to maintain the illusion that these things have to be hard work to achieve.
When it comes to most relationships, I think Eddie Murphy said it best: “Find somebody perfect for you. I’m not saying they’re perfect people. I’m saying we ain’t perfect. Find somebody just as f***ed up as you are and settle down.” This isn’t perfect, but it’s much better advice than any romantic fiction will give!
In my humble opinion, the best relationships, including the ones mentioned above, happen when there is no dependence on validation from one another; where both partners are complete as individuals, where they accept each other as is, including habits or quirks that may be disliked. That is what should be the romantic baseline measure, but, ultimately, it doesn’t make for a good story; there’s no angst or pleading that one will change to please the other, and there are no glib little statements that make others dream of hearing the same words spoken to them, but that is a small price to pay in reality for a happy and peaceful coexistence.
In the end, nobody should have to wait to be completed, or wait to be appreciated. I’ve come to the conclusion that if I see myself as someone whole and worthy of companionship and love, then so will others. A good side effect of that means I’m also happy enough to wait for the right person for me, or be fine if she never comes along.
I complete me.
July 31st, 2009 at 11:30 am
Excellent, and I agree 100%.
July 31st, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Thank you, Stephanie
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:52 pm
I agree totally on this. Between romantic comedies and romance novels, we have these unrealistic expectations about relationships. No wonder why nobody ever measures up. Those people don’t EXIST.
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Thanks, Jodi!
January 2nd, 2010 at 4:52 pm
Title…
Very insightful post. I am going to link to it in my new blog….